Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
