I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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