Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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