so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
