My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
