Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
