I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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