even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
