Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
