I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
