i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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