Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
