someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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