I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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