life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
