He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
