On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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