it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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