Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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