dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
