i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
its liver damage thursday
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
