After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
