I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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