seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize