So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
