My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
