Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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