Plan B is the new Plan A
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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