shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
