I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
