Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
