i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
