Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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