i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
