She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
