He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize