i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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