she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
