I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
