: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
