Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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