Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
