yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize