you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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