meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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