Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
