You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
