so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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