I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
