I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
