Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
