I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
