someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
