i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
