yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
