Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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