You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
