Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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