I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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