Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
