im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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