Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
