I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there was a trapeze. enough said
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
