How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
