so that wasnt chicken after all
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
