you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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