She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
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