just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
