took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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